Some pages of a torn- diary (part 9)

13 July

I was sleeping in my Omen. I realized the existence of the painter girl, I felt she was kissing me. My eyes were closed. It seemed to me that I was in a dreamland with her. An alive snake was crawling over my chest. My whole body was sweating. At the same time I was enjoying her lips over my ones and was fearful of the crawling snake. All of sudden the snake tuned into eagle, and then into cloud, black cloud. Somewhere a saw a fountain but its water was not coming on the earth, the earth was still dry. There were trees without leaves, the dry trees. I felt her whole existence under my strong body…I was kissing her madly, but there was no pleasure. I saw she was dead, but there was a smile over her lips. How can a dead body smile? I thought, but there was no answer. All of sudden the blond girl appears, she was naked. She, too, seemed as a walking dead body. Her face had no emotion. She replaced the painter girl’s half body. Upper parts of the body belonged to the Blond girl and lower parts of the body belonged to the painter girl. I was trapped badly. I saw a dry well, and a lot of fishes crying for water. I saw my won face among them. The black’s younger came with water and asked me to drink. I was thirsty. As soon as I tried to take water from her hand, she laughed and said, ”Now you can feel my thirst. For you I have been exercising witchcrafts, I will not leave you. You have to love me…It is I who can love you…Forget your mother…you are not a five years old child now…You need a woman’s love…You must know the secret of a woman love…I will not only tell you all the secrets of a woman love but, will make you realize them. Very soon she converts into yellow eyed girl. I saw lust in her yellow eyes…She smiled and snatched my curly hair. I tried to push her back but she laughed and said, ”Why do not you accept that you want a woman ? A woman who can make you realize that you are a man. Come to me and feel me… feel my arms, feel my body…feel my breath and feel my soul, my immortal soul…then certainly you will feel the God. All of sudden I woke up. I was dreaming. This dream has any sense? I do not know but I have a difficult time.

14 July

Today is the birth day of the painter girl. She came to my Omen with her car and asked me to come with her. I asked her to sit in the Omen because I was not in mood to go anywhere. She did not protest and sat. When she asked about her present and said I had nothing for her. She requested me not to angry with her as that was her birth day. She was in a black frock and her milky body was looking very attractive. She told me, ”Do you know your problem? You are a fool. Why are you possessive to me? I am just giving you a lesson, and remember it whole life. Love and marriage both are two things. I love you, but my father is fixing my marriage somewhere else. Let him do it. You just enjoy this time. Do not think about future. Who knows what will happen in future?” I got some sense in her words and said, ”You are right, no one knows about future. Let us enjoy your birthday. I will give you a good birth day present. Both of us went to the market and I bought a wrist watch for her. She was very much happy. I am also relaxed today.

16 July

Some students were planning to publish a campus magazine. I had been offered the post of editor but I refused as I did not want any liability. But I said them I would select and edit all the materials but would not use my name as an editor. When they were discussing for the name of the magazine, I suggested them ”Young Opinion” and it was accepted. All students have been offered to write for the magazine. No one knows that I am going to edit this magazine. First time I am going to edit a magazine, and I am highly exited about it.

18 July

The round face girl, the yellow eyes girl and two students asked me to come with them as they were going to radio station in order to apply for a post. I was not interested in it, but I went with them. In the radio station’s campus when all were busy with their forms, I sat under a big tree and started writing editorial for our upcoming magazine. I had the sprit of Mezani, the soul Italy, so I started my first line with his words, ” Nothing is impossible for youth.” Latter I wrote about the present condition of our country and mentioned about the activities of youth of Japan, Germany, Italy and South Korea and North Korea. When I completed my editorial the yellow eyes girl came to me and asked, ”What are you doing?” I told her, ” writing for youths.” She smiled and took the paper form my hand. She read it and said, ”You are a good writer.” All the group had submitted there application. For a little while we sat in the canteen of the radio station and enjoyed a lot. I was thinking seriously about the yellow eyes girl. Now somewhere she was appealing me. I asked her to meet me alone, and she was ready. We made a plan to go to Museum next day.

20 July

Today I went to museum with the yellow eyes girl. I have been this museum many times and I love it most. We entered into the big hall where a lot of naked statues were standing. Both of us were enjoying the naked bodies of those statues. I took her hands and asked, ”Do you love me? ” She glanced at me and said, ”Why are you asking this question?” I said, ” I just want to know it.’She told, ”It is a useless question.” I told her, ” I love a girl, and she, too, loves me. But she is going to marry with someone. And she tells me that love and marriage both are different. I want to listen you regarding this matter. I think she is a bloody girl.” ”Do not abuse her,” she protested. ” I, too, think love and marriage are different. Her hand was still at my hand, I kissed it gently, and with this kiss the color of her face changed. ”I wish if you would have met me earlier,” she said. ”Do you like museum?” I asked. ”I do not like the memory of dead men.” Having looking into her yellow eyes, I realized that Vatsayan was wrong about the yellow eye’s women. He was a big bloody full, and had no ability to look beyond the bodies of women.

21 July

For last eight hours, I have been editing one after another articles for ”Young Opinion.” It is a sixteen pages magazines and I have made the lay outs of all the pages. All the articles are not fit for the temperament of mind. I have a made gossip box and for it I have written more than eights news. All belongs to the institute and the class rooms. I want to some cartoons but have no cartoonist so I have to kick off this ideas. The yellow eyes girl has given me an article of love. I have given it a proper place. In gossip box I have pasted a news about the round face girl. Two days ago she was fighting with a tiny boy in the class room. I have used that content in the gossip box. I have written two special poetries for this magazines, one is related with journalism and the other is about the rally politics. The rally politics has eighteen stanzas. Now I am completely satisfied with my work.

22 July

 I love rain too much. It has been raining for last night. Some frogs have entered into my Omen. They are jumping here and there. Some of them have jumped over my bed. After late night, I took off all my clothes and went alone under the black clouds, I had a hearty bath. I sat in a sated of meditation under the dropping rains for more than three hours. My eyes were closed I was sitting like Lord Budha. I felt the bless of nature. The music of dropping rains were pleasant to me. Nature has everything to man. It has its own music. I do not need women, I do not need friends, I do not need name and fame, I just want the bless of nature. Nature accepts me as I am. I have no clothes over my body, I am as naked as a fish.

 24 July

 I have just finished ”Candida” and ”Arms and Men” by G.B Shaw. To love a married woman is not a bad idea. Now I am searching for a married woman. Can a married woman love me? I know a doctor’s wife who is attractive. Let me take a chance. But it may be dangerous. Oh! what I am thinking! G.B Shaw ! I dropping the idea to love a married woman. Candia would love the young poet, but she decides to stay with her husband. G. B Shaw was a skillful dramatist, who maintain the norms of society. Can I write a drama. Let me try. At first I have to read more and more dramas.

 27 July

I have just finished ”Julius Cesure” and ”Macbeth” by Shakespeare. I love the character of Lady Macbeth very much. I realized that I was unable to understand the medieval English, or the Shakespearean English. I spent my much time over the dictionary during reading both the books. Now I am very much comfortable with Shakespearean English. Really books are best friends.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

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