Some pages of a torn- diary (part 10)

27 July

The ”Young opinion” has published. Today it was inaugurated in the big seminar hall of the institute. Each student was readding his copy. All of sudden the round face girl lost her temper after reading the gossip box. She threw the copy away and said loudly, ” who has dared to write about me like this? ” All the students were surprised to see her reaction. I pick up the magazine from the flour and signed over it and then handed it to her, saying ”It is a gift from me. You are going to be a journalist so you must know how to enjoy with the gossip story.”

She looked to me and smiled. I touched her chicks gently, It seemed I touched some cream. The magazine was being appreciated and enjoyed by all the students but I was furious to see my one of the poetry related to Rally. Its nine stanzas had been cut. I called the boy and asked him, ”Why the nine stanzas have been cut? ”

He said, showing his teeth, ” I was fearful about the reaction of the poetry.”

I said him, ”Go to hell! If you do not have courage, why are you going to join this profession? ” He had no answer but only showed his teeth.

First time I realized that truth demands more and more courage. Now I have left the post of the ghost editor.

29 July

With the yellow eyes girl, today I went to watch a leftist rally. Both of us entered into the crowd and moved here and there. It was a big rally. All the peasant women from the different parts of the state had come with their children to take part in the rally. They were the supporters of Marx and Lenin. When I tried to understand their minds, I realized that they knew nothing about Marx and Lenin, although some women leaders were guiding them. All the people in the rally belonged to the lower casts, but there leaders belonged to the upper caste. I realized that the yellow eyes girl had the revolutionary sprit. She talked to me a lot, suggested me to think about my carrier seriously. There was something in her eyes but I could not read it. What it was ? Certainly she had something in her mind. But

What it was? She wanted to see my Omen, and I invited her.

1 August

The members of fundamental Hindu organization were searching for me. They came to my Omen and asked me to join the Sakha again. I was fade up with them. I knew the they emphasized very much over character building. I told them bluntly that I had an illegal relationship with a married woman I can not leave her, because she was so beautiful and attractive. They tried to change my path but all their efforts went into vain. At last they became furious and declared me an immoral person who was not fit for nation building objectives. Sometime immorality helps you against immoral works. Hatred is not immoral? Fundamental Hinduism goes to hell! I believe in the six systems of our knowledge in our philosophy, Nyaya or Logic, Sankhya, Vasheshika or Atomic, Yoga or contemplative, Mimamsa or ritualistic and Vedenta. O! bloody fundamentalists, go and read the words of Lord Krihana, ”I am the Ataman that dwells in the heart of every mortal creature. I am the beginning, the life-span, and the end of all. The wise see the same in all-whether it be a Brahmin, or a cow, or a dog or and elephant or an outcast. Think over it then come to me. You can say me I am characterless, but what you are…?

2 August

The yellow eyes girl came to my omen. When she entered into it, I was working over my typing machine. I asked her to take place and she sat over my bed. I stopped typing and sat beside her. She was watching everything very keenly and I was just following her yellow eyes. She told me, ”Your life is very good. I am always dreaming of this life. You know you live like an old Indian. I like it too much.” I took her face in my hands and looked into her yellow eyes, I felt these eyes had a lot of meanings. I gently kissed her lips. She neither protested nor approved my act. Her eyes were still over my face. ‘

‘You do not like it?” I asked her.

”Do not ask about my likeness. Whatever you like, you do. ” Something in her eyes was bothering me, but I could not find out. I touched her body from top to bottom, but she did not response me. I stopped myself, looking her yellow eyes.

”You man can never understand a woman.” She went away after two hours. And I am still in the state of bewilderment.

”Really I do not understand I woman?. ”

4 August

A test was conducted by the authority. All students had been given question papers. In the question papers there were ten questions and out of them five to be answered. I pick up one question and started answering. Under one question I touched all the questions in my own style. Latter I was called by the professor in-charge.

He showed me my answer sheet and said, ”What have you done? You have answered only one question.”

I said confidently, ”You have not read my answer . I have dealt all the ten questions.”

”But it is not under the format, do you know?”

”Then you have to change your format. It is not my fault, it is the fault of your format.” He became angry and asked me to get out. What do you mean by format? Format is for a lay man, not for a creative man like me. Format is means not end. If my mind does not fit for any format, it is my fault, no! it is the fault of format. I hate schools, I hate colleges and I hate all the institutes that try to convert any creative mind into format. Mind is everything, it is the center of Universe. All the secrets of the nature are in side the mind of human being. The law of gravity already exited before Newton, it was the Newton’s mind that found it out. The fools are running the world. Throw him away for the sake of creation.

5 August

In the English spoken institute a debate session has been started by the director and I have been invited in the session. In this session students are speaking over a selected topic. I always prefer to speak at last. Today I spoke continuously fifteen minutes, and when I stopped, I received a warm applaud, it goes continuously three minutes. The scene is still moving behind my mind. I am a great orator! I am a great orator !! I feel so.

7 August

For last two days, I have been doing meditation regularly. First I take a hearty bath, then I entered into my Omen. I took off my all the clothes sat on the ground. And then close my eyes and try to concentrate over the dark world before my closed eyes. I sit more than four hours and then go to the bed. I lay down naked on the bed and imagine that I am dead man. How will people react to see me dead? Who will first come to me? What will he say? How the people will gather here and talk about me? Really it is very interesting to imagine! I am just trying to part body and soul. I am enjoying my death in this way very much. I do not know the importance of meditation but I feel that the strength of my mind is increasing.

8 August.

The festival of Durga Puja (A goddess of power) has started. It is a ten days festival. I am laying in my Omen and reading Lenin’s work. He was a man of mission. He wanted to uproot everything but I think that culture has its own importance. Here all the people are enjoying Duraga Pooja, what is it? Generation after generation following the culture of Durga Pooja. People are happy, they are moving with their family and worshiping idols. How can this good culture be demolished? It cannot be explained according to materialistic approach.

9 August

I am reading an article about bombings of Hirosima and Nagasaki. Oh! it was a hell! America! you cannot be forgiven for this heinous act. You have killed innocent people. Certainly you have killed innocent people. Mankind what you have done? You have made atom bomb? But for what purpose? Your own existence is in danger.The present civilization living with nuclear bombs. It is dangerous. Let us think of it. War! Go to hell!

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.

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