Some pages of a torn- diary (part 11)


10 August

One of the students of the institutes of Journalism came to me and asked ”What is the story of Lady Chaterlee’s lover?” In fact I, at that time, I had not read the book. I said to him, ”why are you asking this question?” With a little hesitation he told me, ” A woman was reading this book. She is a teacher in a convent school. She is a married woman but not living with her husband. I asked him, ”Do you often go to her? ”

he said, ”yes.”

”Then bring the books for me. I will read it ant then tell you the whole story. Are you interested in this woman?”

He told honestly,” she attracts me a lot. But she is a married woman.”

”Do not worry. Take a chance.”

He promised me to bring the book for me. I am waiting eagerly for that book.

Latter I discussed this matter with the yellow eyes girl. She laughed over me and said, ” You want to shoot, using other shoulder. You are a rascal.

I said her, ”I am not talking about myself. He is in love with her and I just want to help him. You are an understanding girl so why I asking about your opinion. Beside I want to tell you one thing very frankly. I have same felling for the round fame girl’ mother. Can you help me in this regard.”

She became angry and started abusing me. I hold her tightly and kissed her lips. She was surprised. Latter she said with a smile, ”You are wild animal. I like your wildness.”

11 August

A new library has been opened by the institute and all students are allowed to sit and read there. Today I was reading a book about Saddam Hussain and his Bath party. The Muslim girl was sitting besides me with one of her friends. They were talking too much. I said her,”It is a library, so keep silence.”

She said, ”I know this is a library. If you think we are talking too much, change your place.”

I was not expecting such an answer from her. Latter she offered me some cake with smile and said, ”If you read too much, you will go mad soon. Library is not a place to read.  Do you know your problem? You think that books are everything,You do not know that all the books have been written by men or women. If you want to enjoy the natural life, keep the books away. It is enough for today. I will see you next time. You idiot! Bookish worm!”

”You are speaking too much.” I said angrily

”What will you do then? Go and read and find out some formula to deal with me. If you will not get it, come to me. I will  teach you a lot of formulas regarding this, ” she said confidently. ” The first and last lesion , Keep yourself away from the books. Books will  ruin you. It will kill your natural instincts. I want to save you from destruction so why I am telling you all the things. Now you go to hell.” She told and left the place. I was surprised to listen her.

13 August

For last two days I have been constantly thinking about the Muslim girl. I was not ready for such words from a Muslim girl. I have bought the Quran and started reading it. Who was Gibrail? Really he was the messenger of God? Or Mohammad Saheb was in a state of hallucination like me? Whenever I sat naked in my Omen more than four hours, I realized that a lot of voices came from different worlds. Sometimes I recognized the voices but sometimes they were completely unknown to me. Mohammad would sit alone in the cave and he sat in meditation. Then automatically he would listen the voices of Gibriail. He had watched his society very keenly and had been thinking over it continuously. Gibrail was nothing but just his own sound. He closed the society for ever just declaring himself the last messenger of the Almighty God. All his ideologues have been base on the moon moment, just against the ideologues of Christian’ moon moment. And an ideological contrast between two communities had been established for ever. All the rituals of Islam can be seen according to this point of view. If I believe in the words of Muslim girl ”books will ruin you,” then certainly all the books must be discussed according this point of views, including religious ones. I salute the sprit of Mohammed Saheb, and his works for the people but at the same times he can be forgiven for his claim of the last messenger of God. In Islam there is no scope for thesis, antithesis and synthesis. I think I have started loving the Muslim girl. The Lord of Mosses and the Lord of Mohammed are same. In my Omen I have been trying my level best to communicate the lord of both, and in state of hallucination I felt his existence. In the late night I would sit out side Omen and looked to the sky. When ever I saw a cloud I asked the God to talk to me behind the cloud like he would talked to Mosses. Very surprisingly, some voices came to me behind the cloud. Yes, I am in a state of hallucination like Mosses and Mohammed.

15 August

What is religion? I always think deep over it. I am feeling strong desire to love the Muslim girl. She is attractive and has sex appeal. But my religion has shaped my mind in a special way. It has preached me to regard the women. Under the influence of religion I am suppressing my natural desire to have sex with the Muslim girl. So religion is just a format to shape a human mind in order to kill one’s natural desire. It control my thought process. All the religions under the sky control the thought process, either it is Hinduism, or Islam or Christianity. All religions have rituals. They operate through rituals. Rituals are the arms of religions that kill the libido of human being. Dogs have religions? No. They are guided by their natural instincts. But human being has been civilized through the ages. What the Muslim girl tells me I understand, and what I tell she understand. Through natural instincts all dogs understand each-other, but they have no religions. But human mind has its own dimension, it has created systematic languages in certain circumstances. Religion is very important for common man, but it is a hell to a creative mind. My mind is thinking about the Muslim girl, about her words, about her body, about her soul and warm breadth, but it is against religion. Religion, go to hell! I want this girl. I will follow my natural instincts.

17 August

There was a political clash on the road. Fifteen people wounded. I was watching this clash. A young reporter told me that a press conference was being held in the office of a political party regarding this clash. I had no authority but I went there as  areporter. I was sitting among the reporters when the spokesman of the party was saying, ”If other party  does violence against us, we will not mind to retaliate.” Then and there I asked, ”You mean you are going to use violence against violence?” He and all the reporters looked to me. I was continue,” How can you say that you are a responsible party, while you are talking about violence? ” The young reporter who was with me flew away. The spokesman dissolved the conference without answering my questions. Today I feel that I am far better than all the media persons who are active in this city. When I came out of the conference the young reporter told me, ”You were creating odd situation there, you are not a good person.” I told him, ”I knew I was on the right track.”

19 August

Today in the class room, the Muslim girl was sitting besides me and reading a porn book. She was very much indulged in her reading. The book was covered with a paper. I asked her, ”What you are reading?” She told boldly, ”I am reading about the mystery of love. You want to read?”

”Mystery of love! What is it?” I asked.

”Have you ever loved a girl?”

”Yes, so many girls.”

”Then look to my eyes, tell me how it looks?”

”What do mean by how it looks?”

”Is there any mystery in my eyes?”

”I do not know.”

”Now I can tell you that you are unable to understand the mystery of a girl’s eyes. But do not worry, I will teach you everything, if consider me as your Guru (teacher).”
”Do you believe in Islam?”

”I am Muslim and you are kafir, according to Muslim point of view.”
”I want to talk to you about my feeling regarding.”
”For god sake, do not tell that You are loving me. Better you read this book and then we well talk. And do not mention about it to any one. Did you get the point.” I took the book. It was the story of a lonely lady who satisfied her wants herself.

20 August

The boy who was in love with a married woman gave me ”Lady Chatterly’s lover.” He told me to read this book thoroughly. I am reading it, and feeling the pain of Lady Chatterly. With the help of a sketch  pen I am underling some sentences, specially the erotic sentences. A wonderful psych-analyses has been created of a young lady. Now, my mind is full of erotic thoughts. At the same time I am reading the story of a lonely lady. Oh! It is exciting me. I want some fresh air…Sorry I will have to go outside.
Fifteen minutes latter

I was just watching the moon. I want to go there with the Muslim girl. What an idea! What will I do there with that Muslim girl? Let me think. I will tell her to take off all her clothes, and I will do the same. Then I will tell her to fell like Eve and I will feel like Adam. Then we will ask the God to come to us because we are ready to follow all His instruction. We will not do sin. It will be a new beginning. It is a wonderful idea. Dear! Muslim darling! You are reading about a lonely girl! Just come with me to the moon. I would lead you in a different world. You tell me that books ruin me! NO matter, We will start from the beginning, when there would be nothing except a man and a woman. If you do not like moon do not worry, we will go to Marsh. We will start learning  from a b c d.

21 August

I have returned the ”Lady Chaterlly” to the young student. When he saw the underlines sentence he became furious. I consoled him not to worry about it. Just return the book to the lady. If he asked, tell her that you were going to write an article about all the leading ladies characters of world literature. Everything will be ok. He was not agree with me and anyhow I cooled him down. Let me see what will happen in this regard.
I have also returned the lonely lady to the Muslim girl. When I was returning the book, she was with one of her friends. She took the book but did not say anything to me.
What is woman? What is Woman? What is woman? It is a mystery ! It is mystery !! It is mystery !!! I love this mystery, I love this mystery I love this mystery. I want a naked woman with me on the Moon. Who will come with me? She will be Eve and I will be Adam. I want to understand the origin of love between a man and a woman. Better to say I want to feel a woman as the first man on the earth. I am Adam, Eva where are you? Are you listening me? If yes, come to me, come to me, come to me.

Note : I am constantly struggle hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.



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