Today, in Pokhran Indian has tested its nuclear strength. The whole city is talking about it. I am very much depressed to listen the news. Arms-race is against humanity. The world does not need it, then why arms are being made all around, Why ? Why ?? and Why ??? OH ! My whole body is crumbling. It is 11 pm. I go to the bank of The Ganges. The dark sky spreads all around the river. Some fishermen are sleeping on the sand. I sit and see the current of the river and try to understand the effect of the explosion. Will this explosion affect my lovely river anyway? If yes, all the policy makers must be removed. I opened my shoes, jeans and shirt and enter into the river and swim nearly half kilometer. Now I am in the middle of the river, feeling the excitement of the clod water. I just go deep and deep. And when I try to turn back, the current of the water pushes me away. Even I am unable to see the banks of the river, because all around there is a darkness. I see, some fire far away, and I try to swim in that direction. After half an hour, I come to the bank. It is a crematorium place. The fire is just coming from a burning dead body. I get there no one. I feel some coldness and sit besides the fire. I think deeply about the man’s body that is burning before my eyes and the warm fire. What is death? Why we all are mad behind more and more power. King Harish Chandra was working in a crematorium, because he had donated everything, his wife ,his son and even himself, because he was a man of words.
Oh know I have to leave the place. But I have lost my all article, I have only one underwear over my body. I leave the place and move slowly to my Omen. I walk…walk… and walk. After two hours I come to my Omen. Outside Omen I have a hearty bath and then enter into it. I am naked, I do not want anything….I just want to write, write and write…and I am writing. My flowing words give me pleasures.
Today I have seen an advertisement of a college of Mass communication. I think I should take admission in it. Applications are being invited and I am going to apply for a seat. It will give me an opportunity to make my carrier in field of journalism. But I have to submit a draft of five hundred rupees. Now I have no money, anyhow I have to manage it. Let me think of it seriously. A journalist can serve the society through his writings.
Is it the heinous crime of my life? I know it is against law. Today I proposed the black girl’s younger. She broke down to me and started weeping. I tried my level best to console her but she did not stop. When I said her that I was not serious about it, it was just a fun, she became furious and told me,” you are older than me, so why I was hesitating to enter in your life. I always love you, I do not know what you want to me, but I will sacrifice my life for you.” In fact I am afraid to see her passion and devotion. Somewhere I am feeling myself caged to indulge with her, but somewhere I am highly fascinated with her innocent love. She is too young, only thirteen years. Should I go ahead? I am little confused regarding her. She has promised to meet me soon, and with a little hesitation I am waiting for her. But I won’t meet her, it would be better for both of us.
What a girl she is ! I am very much surprised. Today she has given me ”The Kamsutra” by Vatsayan and asked me to read it thoroughly. It is a fascinating book, sexuality has been dealt in it very keenly. In this book the structures of women bodies has been explored according to the geographical condition of the country. I do not know these facts are scientific or not, but it has created my curiosity in women’s bodies. Whenever and wherever I meet a woman, I watch her body very keenly in order to match it with the description of the book. Somewhere I am afraid of the little girl, she knows more about the adult’s life and is very much interested to discuss with me. Let me read the book.
I do not understand the chemistry of woman and a man. Since Yesterday night I have been reading ”The Kamsutra.” A lot of funny things have been written in this book, like how you choose your woman, how you communicate your self to her, how you understand her body language, how you know her ideas about yourself, how you use her closest friend to express yourself before her. In this book sixteen kinds of kiss and 64 positions have been mentioned. The little girl is a devil, I have to change my way. Certainly I have to change my way. Vatsayan is a hell! But it has created my curiosity in the love life man and woman. Let me change this book, otherwise it will make my mind dirty.
I am reading a book ”Lenin in London.” Lenin was the most wanted person in Russia. He went to London with Krupskaya and preparing for the Russian revolution. There he would spend most of his time in National Library reading the ”Das Capital” by Karl Marx and making notes. He was dead determined for the Russian revolution. Krupskaya was a teacher. She would love Lenin. She was very much supportive to Lenin. She was regularly corresponding with revolutionary leaders of Russia on behalf of Lenin. She was taking care not only of Lenin but also of his revolutionary activities. I am highly fascinated with krupskaya. In fact I fell in love with her. Is there any krupskaya for me? I want a lady like kurpskaya, will I get it? I do not think so. I have read an interesting story regarding Lenin. It is written by a secret agent of British Government. According to the story, he got an information that a meeting of Russian revolutionary leaders was to be held in a hotel. He went to the hotel and met the manager and asked him to provide a place so that he could listen the speech of all Russian leaders. Manager locked him in a cupboard where the meeting was to be held. When the meeting started he listen all speeches. After listening the speech of Lenin he was horrified, although he did not see his face. Latter he reported, ”Lenin is very confident about the revolution in Russia and what he has in mind is very dangerous for both Russia as well as the World.”
I went to the art college of the city to find out more and more details about the old painter. Once he was the principal of this art college. I met one of his old friends who remembered the old painter with his many good acts. But I felt that he was in a stress. Later I knew that a dog fighting was going on for the authority of the art college. Some students had been kicked off from the hostel. Naturally I took interest in all the matter and became very sad about the present condition of this art college. For a little while, I had been captured by the goons of the college authority. They are bad people and I hate them. Now I have to write all the details of the old painter and have to send it to the lady boss.
I have just finished ”Crime and punishment” by Dostovesky. It depicts very well about the poverty of Russian. The psychology of the protagonist has been written in a very keen manner. He plans to kill the old landlady and he is very much confident that he is going to do a great work like Nepolian Bonapart as he is liberating the poor masses from the clutches of the old landlady. The Russian police tries to catch him but he plays with them a rat and cat game. Sonia! A teenage prostitute, who is compelled to do accept this dirty business, enters into his life and he fell in love with her. Later he accepts before her that he has murdered not only old landlady but also her sister. The life of Dostovesky has intoxicated me. He was arrested by Russian Government and was to shoot. Just before shooting he was released and for whole life the shadow of death covered his unconscious mind. Later he was appointed the adviser of Russian Government secretly and the main conspirator of king’s murder was arrested in his house. I want to read Dostovesky’s all works. I am highly interested in Russian History.
Today I met the painter girl. She was still angry with me. She told me that I was the most cruel person under the sky. She wanted to have a dinner with me, but I had no money in my pocket and I told about it to her. She realized that I was not only a wicked person but a cunning too. I asked her to lend me some money if she wanted to have a dinner with me. She was agree and both of us went to a nearby hotel. She was a non-vegetarian. After dinner she said that she wanted to see my Omen. I warned her, but she smiled and kissed me gently. Then both of us came back to Omen. She closed the door and came near to me. Again I saw the tears in her eyes. she told in a deep voice, ”Do you know? I cannot be a mother. I have some problem. Doctors have declared that I have lost the maternity power.” I took her face in my hands and said gently, ”No matter, if you love me, I am ready to marry with you.’
”’But you don’t earn!” she said.
”What do you mean by I do not earn?,” I do not understand her words.
”Marriage is a responsibility while love is free. I love you, but I know you cannot be a good husband. My father is searching a suitable boy for me,”
” I don’t understand you. Sometimes you say that you have lost your maternity power and sometimes you say that your father is searching a suitable boy for you.”
”Why do you want to understand a woman while a woman does not understand herself?
You do whatever I say.”
I was in state of bewilderment, so I said her politely to go to her home. Before leaving the place she hold me in her arms and kiss my lips gently. Still I am feeling her existence, and still I am confused about her character. To me, a woman is always a mystery, and so why I attract to a woman. Will I solve this mystery ever?
Note : I am constantly struggling hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.