The reservation movement has taken a bad shape. The whole society has been divided into two parts- pro-reservation and anti-reservation. Every day the city is being closed either by pro-reservation activists or by anti-reservation activists. Today when I was sitting with round face girl and the yellow eye girl in the canteen of the institute, a group of pro-reservation supporters stormed and broke all the things in the canteen. Anyhow I managed to save both the girls and asked them to go to there homes. Then I came out on the road. People were shouting slogans at the main roundabout of the city. I went there and entered into the crowd. All of sudden police started beating them. The crowd
was running away. On the road I stood firmly looking to the police force. I made my pose like Vivekanand. Now all were running but I was still stand there. No one touched me, even police crossed from my left and right, did not dare to hit me, due to my pose. It is very sad, our politicians are leading our country in a wrong direction. The whole scientific formula of Karl Marx is failed here. In India, there is no proletariat and no capitalist, here society has been divided on the base of caste. Marx You go to hell ! I am sure your revolutionary methodology will not work here. India is not Europe or Russia, Indian is India. It has its own unique problems. Let me think about it deeply.
For a long time, I am not going to the English Institute. But today I met the young director. He told me about the blond girl. Her brother is aware of their relationship and he is compelling her not to go to Institute. Now they are meeting outside the Institute. She still wants to marry with him. The black’s younger has tried to meet me many times but I am avoiding her. Today she came to my Omen, when I was trying to write a story. She started abusing me. When I touched her hands she became calm. I asked her,” What do you want?” She replied boldly, ”You just treat me like a woman, not like a girl.” I looked to the portrait of Hitler and told her, ”You know you are underage?” She came very near to me and said, ”I know only one thing that I am a woman, and I love you. I want to feel you from the bottom of my heart. I have seen my father making love with my mother. I want that love from you. Do not think that I am a little girl, think I am a woman, a complete woman. I know you would love my sister, but she has not been made for you. It is I who know how to love you.” For a little while I want to feel her existence completely but something stops me, perhaps it is her tender age. I say her in soft voice, ”Little girl, I love you. But how can I kiss you and touch you?” She understood my mental condition and hold my face in her hands then I felt her warm lips over my lips. Very soon I realized she is playing gently, smoothly and intensely. My blood was warming but I controlled myself any how. She laid me down on the bed and one after another she started taking off my clothes. I did not protest, but just enjoyed her initiatives. When someone knocked the door, I gently pushed her away. Now she has gone and first time in my life I experienced a girl in this way. I want more, ….I am waiting for her.
What is construction and what is destruction? Is construction possible without destruction? No! Where there is construction there is destruction. There is no construction without destruction. Construction and destruction are co-related. Marx wants to construct a new system so why he talks about destruction. What is dialectical theory? It is related with materialism. I think deeply about all the existing religions, and somewhere I believe that all the rituals of all religions have been constructed according to the materialistic point of views to meet the ultimate powers. But what is ultimate power? I think deeply about that ultimate power, or super power, but I see myself nowhere. What is spiritualism? Why man born? The ancient but important question, Who am I? Who am I ? Who am I? Why I am on the earth as a human being? What is the ultimate object of human being? And how I am supportive to this object. No ! Marx is wrong. Man is not means but end. And here Marx is absolutely wrong when he wants to make his commune through killing millions and millions people. All the ideologues that talk about the killing of people must be throw into Caspian Sea.
The professor in-charge of the journalism is an interesting person. He would write for a national magazine. He always glorifies his character and tries to please the head of the institute. Now he is an active congress man, like his father and has fought legislative election. He does not like me. A seminar was organized by him. I wanted to deliver my speech there, but he did not allow me. I jumped over the stage and snatched the mike and then started delivering my speech. I think I am good orator, and people flow with me. I just take there mind in different world, at least I feel so. Latter, he criticized me a lot and warned me to control my behavior. I am thinking to teach him a lesion. Let the time come.
After a long gap the painter girl came to meet me. She told me that her marriage was being fixed. I was sad to listen her words. I took tightly in my arms and started kissing her. She felt my warmth. I was not in mood to stop. I behaved with her like a wild animal. She started crying but I did not leave her. She hit me with a pen and it torn my right hand skin. I was in deep pain both mentally as well physically. She went away saying, ”you are an animal, I hate you and will never meet you.” Who cares? You go to hell ! I, too, do want to see her. But still I am in a pain. First time I realize that woman is painful, too. I want the black girl’s younger. Oh! Where are you? Please come, Please come. I need you badly. Really it is very painful to me.
Last day I went to meet a psychiatrist. I told him that my mind was not working properly, and I was depressed. He asked me a lot of questions regarding my earlier life and present occupation. I told him everything truly. When he knew that I wanted to be writer he suggested me to write all the things. I am following his instruction and trying my level best to write down everything. I have write down nearly five hundred pages, but still I think that I am depressed.
I have used opium today. Marx says religion is like opium but I say nothing is like opium. It just leads me to a wonderland. All the functions of my mind have changed completely. I have drunk more than ten glasses of water but I am still thirsty. I feel all the great thinkers are sitting in my Omen and they are laughing over me. Oh ! I have gone mad. Lenin you are a bloody person! You have killed millions of people. Hiter! you are a hell ! You want to rule over the world, establish the supremacy of Aryan blood ! you are a murder, do you know? And I am a fool who is hanging your portrait in my Omen. Gandhi! Where are you? You talk about non-violence, you are great Gandhi! You are great!! When the world will understand the importance of blood? Little girl! Where are you? I want to make love with you. I will love you like your father loves you mother. But can you love me like my mother? Little girl ! come, come to me and love me. But now you are a growing woman, and you have no ability to love me like my mother. Do you know? My mother would love me very much. She had a cow, a small and milking cow, and she would herself milking the cow and gave me milk to drink. From morning till night she would work hard. I miss my mother…I miss my mother. Oh, I am weeping bitterly. Tears are coming from eyes constantly and I am relaxed now. Now I can understand the importance of tears.
Note : I am constantly struggling hard to read out more and more pages of the diary. Wait for more.